Football Sundays

So I've been bartending at Chilis (if you can even truly call that bartending) for about a year now and am finally starting to get reasonably good at it. I have been scheduled Sunday morning bartending shifts for a few months now. It has until recently been a dreaded shift; slow and boring with too many churchy types (they never seem to tip very well). However, with the onset of Autumn, Football has started up for the season which brings a kinda fun new group into the bar. These people get inexplicably excited about the game and often come in droves, sporting jerseys for their favorite players on their favorite teams. While I cannot muster anything resembling giving a shit about Football, I do appreciate the extra business and sometimes even the people who come to watch.

My favorite gentlemen come just about every Sunday (more to hang out with each other than to eat or drink or even to watch the game). Jack, Jim, Scott & Corey are some of my particular favorites- enough so that I know not only their drink of choice but also their names; this is quite a feat for me- I can easily recognize the faces of people I've served more than twice but it probably takes me about 20 times serving them before I can manage to remember their names. There are of course other names I know only out of necessity- them being such highly demanding regulars that everyone knows them by name only to be able to warn fellow coworkers- "Guys I'm sorry that burger has 15 modifications on it- it's Kim again" or "Guys SERIOUSLY don't fuck that fajita up or Dave will never shut up about it" and magically everyone understands and obliges.  

Anyways, I thought I could write about any interesting guests or occurrences on these Football Sundays for anyone who might be out there or, hell, for posterity's sake or whatever.

Today a man I've never seen before came in, super nice, ordered a Ribeye steak. When I went to check on him, he raved about the food and dropped some crazy lore as customers will occasionally do. He told me that today was the anniversary of his mothers death, she's been gone 4 years now, and since she died he's held the tradition of going out and having a steak in her memory on this day (I guess she really loved ribeyes?). He said this steak was cooked to perfection, and that it tasted just like the one he had the last time he had dinner with her. He told me all this with a slight sparkle of moisture in his eyes, and then gave me two dollar bills and one golden dollar and asked me to give that to the cook. It feels a little silly writing it out now, but this afternoon it definitely touched me. I guess you never really know the impact a good meal or a listening ear can have on somebody. That steak certainly seemed to mean a lot to this gentleman. He was so kind, too, he paid for Jim's meal today and I daresay made a new friend. 

The Last 8 Years

 Since it's been so long since I posted, I thought I would do a brief life update. Thankfully, my life looks very different now than it did in 2016. 

2016

In 2016, I was still going to Weber State, trying to get my associates degree. I turned 21 years old, and celebrated with a cake drowning in Danger Rum (we lit the rum on fire, which effectively turned my cake into one huge birthday candle) and a pitcher of margaritas. I had two jobs; one at my old high school as a librarian, and another at the GAP working as a keyholder. I still lived at home with my parents, and had of yet never really been in love, although I did have a boyfriend at the time who I thought that I had loved. Looking back, it wasn't real love as I know it now, but you have to start somewhere I suppose. 

In 2016 on Campus

2017 

This was a year that came with lots of changes for me. Sometime during 2017 I stopped going to school and somewhat gave up on the idea of earning my degree. With every year tuition rates and textbook prices went up and up and I struggled to afford school even with my two jobs. I was also grappling with my mental health and losing the fight, so I decided to further ease the pressure by quitting my job as a librarian (I wasn't qualified or very good at it anyway). I also broke up with my boyfriend at the time, I wish I could say it was my decision but at best it was mutual because he was moving out of state- to a little farm in Oregon. He wished for me to move with him, but thank GOD I had barely skills enough to recognize my intuition telling me that was not my path. So he moved away and I promised myself I would learn to prioritize my own happiness and how to be happy without being in a relationship. This worked like gangbusters and before long I was taking myself on hikes and on movie & dinner dates. I also slowly got into the habit of going to the gym after work. I was solely focused on ME with a growth mindset and it was only after I stopped looking for someone to love that I would finally find it. 

Camping to see the 2017 Solar Eclipse

2018

After a number of months of going to the gym more or less faithfully, I saw him. Christopher.

The first time I saw him was at the counter of the gym.  

I remember glancing over at him and thinking, Oh, wow, he’s cute! I never would have thought that he was looking at me too! Over the next several weeks, I started going to the gym every single day after work, more to see him than to actually exercise. I turned out to be very lucky and he was always there when I came. We would smile at each other, shyly at first but I remember our smiles growing bigger and bigger with every day. Before long we started to say hello when I came in and wave goodbye when he got off shift. I remember for weeks coming home and gushing to my parents about this super cute boy and how much I hoped he would someday ask me out. Sure enough, one day he *finally* asked for my number. 

Our first date was May 26, 2018, and we've barely spent a day apart ever since. We had dinner at Bombay Bites (Indian has since become one of our very favorite foods), and went to the drive-in movie theater afterwards. For the life of me I can't remember the movies that played, but I do vividly remember the butterflies in my stomach every time I looked at him (I still get those butterflies to this day!!)

Chris and I spent the next 30 or so hours together, just chatting and getting to know each other. We like to joke that it was the longest first date in the world- once we were together we couldn't bear to be apart! It didn't take very long at all to see that there was an electric spark there. I fell in love with him almost immediately. It's hard to put into words, but the best I can do is to say that he felt like home to me. I was immediately comfortable around him and I somehow knew I could trust him with anything. I had this undeniable feeling that I would be spending a long, long time loving him. 

It was also in 2018 that I lost my job at the GAP, which turned out more or less to be a blessing in disguise. I started waitressing at Black Bear Diner, and found that I was rather good at it. I am unfortunately blessed with excellent customer service skills, and being a hopeless people pleaser certainly doesn't hurt. Sometimes I find myself wishing I wasn't so good at serving, it being one of the most physically and emotionally exhausting jobs out there. But if you are any good at all you'll find that you can make an obscene amount of money in tips and therein lies what I call the server trap. It's not a job one would particularly want to do, but you get into and find you can make $250+ in tips in one 5 hour shift and just like that you're a LIFER. 

Chris & I September 2018

2019

These next few years blend together a bit, because it has all been spent loving and being loved by Chris. We got our first apartment together in 2019, a slightly pathetic little one bedroom- only about 800 sqft. We adopted a kitten (who turned out to be a nightmare, but we'll get to that). I continued working at Black Bear Diner and got better and better at the job, eventually being promoted to a "Server Lead". Turns out that was a horrible idea- all the duties of a manager PLUS all the duties of a server wrapped into one awful underpaid position. I however did this job for give or take two years; acting as manager, server, host, to-go, dishwasher, and sometimes even a cook! Leading into and out of Covid in 2020, we were chronically understaffed, hence my working every position in the restaurant. It was a nightmare, but wonderful as a learning experience. For example I LEARNED that I would never again accept a promotion in the restaurant industry!   

Temple Square 2019

2020

We all remember 2020 as the year of the Covid lockdown. I was somewhat envious of those participating in lockdown, as I was classified an Essential Worker and still had to work 5-6 days a week at the diner. It was an interesting time, oscillating between absolutely NO business whatsoever and every family in a 10 mile radius ordering to-go from us all within the same 2 hours. Since there was no dine-in, there were no tips (or next to none anyway) and money was painfully tight. Chris had been working at same diner (after he left the gym, he got a job at my diner as a host) but was laid off due to Covid shortly thereafter. So it was all up to me to pay the bills and keep us in our not-so-shiny new apartment. 

In November 2020, my oldest friend and grandfather died. He suffered multiple strokes, leaving the left half of his body paralyzed, and he died a day or two afterwards. This loss shook me to the core, and it's something I don't know that I will ever fully recover from. Death comes for everyone, but somehow, childishly, I thought my dear grandpa would be able to dodge it forever. I am grateful however that he didn't have to suffer by being paralyzed long; it's hard to imagine that strong, stubborn man living that way. 

I want to write more about him and about the last days of his life and what he meant to me, but I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to get more into it, for now. Perhaps it is a story for another day, and another post. 

Grandpa & I on my Birthday (1995)

Grandpa & I (2011ish?)

2021

I don't have too much to say about 2021- most of it was spent in a depression after the loss of my grandfather. I was so lucky to have my dear sweet Chris by my side to support me through the grief. I lost most of my friends during that time; I think my grief sucked the air out of every room I entered and I can't imagine that to be a comfortable place for a friend to sit. 

This is also the year I was diagnosed bipolar, which frankly explains SO MUCH. We'll get into that at a later date.

Chris and I moved to our second apartment, a lovely two bedroom with a huge kitchen and a wood burning fireplace. I love this apartment, and it still serves as our home, almost 4 years later.

We also adopted our dog- Mac. We were toying with the idea of adding a puppy to our little family, looking at the KSL Classifieds when we saw him- this tiny grainy picture of a little pup sitting in the dirt. I was very lukewarm on this particular pupper, but Chris said he just "had a feeling about him" and insisted we make the drive to Idaho to meet him. It was on this little farm in the middle of nowhere Idaho (we literally drove an hour on a dirt road to get there) that I met my new best friend. The owner of the farm came riding up to us on a golf cart with a little black package in his lap. The instant, and I mean the INSTANT the golf cart stopped, he jumped out of the mans lap and ran straight into my arms, licking my face and wagging his little nub of a tail like wild. I never stood a chance! We took that little guy home without a second thought and he's been my little buddy ever since. 

I did also finally quit my job at Black Bear Diner, and took a serving position at a local Chilis, which is where I am still working. 

Mac's Adoption Day (May 13 2021)

 

My Little Family Summer 2021

2022

Truth be told, I remember very very little from this year; only the smallest tidbits. I continued working at Chilis, though the transition from Diner to Sports Bar proved more challenging than I had originally thought it would be. I did have a couple coworkers I met from Black Bear who now worked at that same Chilis, and that helped me enormously. 

Our little kitten was no longer a kitten by this time, and after a couple escapes she came home pregnant. We were none too happy about this, but our hearts and minds were quickly changed after the babies came. She had 6 kittens- one calico like herself, two pure white, one dark colored tabby, one fluffy grey and white kitty, and finally the runt of the litter a puny short haired grey kitty. My mom adopted two of the kittens, (the dark tabby and the runty one) named Zach & Zoe. Chris and I couldn't resist keeping one, and chose the long haired grey and white one, now dubbed Jiffy. The other three found homes with families in the area, though Chris and I still think and talk about them fairly often.

By now Chris and I had spent the last 4 years as a team. It was September 11, 2022 (the day after my 27th birthday) when he lit hundreds of tea candles in our front room, had my favorite song, Clair De Lune playing on our record player, and knelt at my feet to ask me to be his bride. Didn't even have to think about it for a second before I said YES!!!!

Our Engagement <3

2023

On May 20, 2023, Chris and I stood on a pier at Beus Pond and promised to love each other until our dying breath. It was the most perfect, beautiful day and I don't recall EVER being so blissfully happy. We went on a little honeymoon at a resort in Park City, and spent the entire week in a state of utter joy and contentment. 

The day we got back from our trip, which just so happened to be our 5th anniversary, May 26 2023, my Grandmother passed away after a decade or more of dementia. This was both heartbreaking and a great relief, as my grandmother had long ago been lost along with her memory. With every year, she had become more and more a shadow of her previous self and that came for us with it's own special grief. By the time her body died, we had long grieved the loss of the woman we knew. It was some comfort to know she was no longer in pain and to imagine her reunited with her husband now three years gone. The hardest part of losing her, truth be told, was watching my mother lose her. I can only imagine how the loss of a mother must reverberate through your very bones and I can only hope I never have to feel that pain. 

Our Wedding Day

So In Love <3 

2024

And here we are, in the year 2024! I am now 29 years old, much older and hopefully a little bit wiser than I was the last time this blog was active. My husband and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary this year, and are looking forward to the next fifty together. Mac and Jiffy are still our sweet boys and I just feel so grateful for the life that Chris and I have made together! I am still working at Chilis, though I moved up from serving to bartending. Bartending is generally a lot of fun, and I enjoy the extra challenge of balancing typical server duties with making bar drinks for not only my guests but for the entire restaurant. Chris graduated from his Mechanics Course at the local Tech College and got a wonderful job working as a Mechanic for a family owned shop in the area. Every day I have the great honor of watching this boy I met in 2018 grow and mature into the MAN I am married to today. We have a wonderful life together!! I honestly never ever thought I would make to it where I am today- it's kind of incredible to look back on the past 10 years or so and see all the change and growth that came in places I never knew it would. 

Chris & I Autumn 2024

 

On my 29th Birthday

Mac Summer 2024

Jiffy Summer 2024

Chris on his 27th Birthday 

And You're all Caught Up! 

Please Don't Read My Archive!

 It has been almost 10 years since I posted on this blog or so much as thought about it, for that matter. However, I recently impulse bought my first laptop and in an effort to justify it's purchase to my husband I endeavor to start up the old blog, thereby giving this lovely computer a true purpose (beyond binge-watching Gilmore Girls in the bath on a screen larger than 5 inches).

This revival comes with ONE condition, dear readers (if you're out there), PLEASE DON'T READ MY ARCHIVE!!!! I had the great misfortune of reading some of my old posts and while I am assured that their ramblings are merely "typical teen stuff" I for one am appalled at my 15-19 year old self for deigning to post on the internet for any and all to read (thank god the blog never really gained traction). 

Although, I suppose 10 years later I am really no better, because here I am again. God willing these new posts will be less painful for me to read in another 10. 

I stumbled across this quote on Facebook and fell in love with it. I think it's vital to remember you, just as you naturally are, deserve happiness—despite any imperfections or flaws. Of course it’s important to focus on self-improvement, but I find that any attempts at self-improvement coming from a place of hatred is damaging and ephemeral.  I think I’ll use this as a mantra when I am feeling blue and down on myself.  

Complain Complain Complain

Today has been a little bit rough so far. My insomnia has been acting up lately (is that insane to say? That my insomnia has bad flare ups?), so I didn't get more than 45 minutes of sleep this morning before I had to go to work for the 12 day in a row, and still I was late. I'm having a near impossible time keeping my cool today; I find myself getting irrationally angry at every little thing. And while I recognize that I am being irrational, I somehow can hardly help but to lose my temper. I suspect that the main reason for my lack of sleep is the fact that school starts on August 29th. I haven't been to school in a year, and I am unbelievably nervous for it to begin again. I am afraid that I won't be able to jump back in; that I won't be able to pay for it (tution is significantly higher than I was expecting); that I won't be successful and still be able to work my two jobs (both of which I feel are necessary, largely in order to pay for school in the first place). I watch my peers entering their senior year of college (I'm almost a Junior) and getting real jobs and apartments and husbands and kids and I feel completely and utterly left in the dust. I am struggling to grasp how I can work so hard and still be (or feel?) so hard behind. I feel as though I am waiting for my life to begin, but not actually living it. It's disconcerting to say the least.
I don't really know why I would post this sort of thing on this blog, but its a pervasive feeling, and I had yet to make a post today, so I figured "why not?".
I think that once school has started and I'm a little more in the swing of things, I will feel better, but for now I guess I'll deep clean my bedroom and wait for sleepiness to take over. So far, I have slept about 8 hours this week. We'll see how tonight goes.

From the Perspective of a Painting (better title to come?)

Today, I set up the typewriter and gave students a prompt for the day. "Tell a story from the perspective of a painting in a museum." A couple students gave it a whirl, and I later found myself typing something up between classes. This is what I came up with:

Lines of people, young old and everywhere in between, file past me in a never ending sequence. My master and creator put me here for a reason he failed to tell me, nor any of my friends or siblings. All we know is that we are to sent here to lean against a plain, white wall in absolute silence and observe those who pass us by. I have learned a lot.
Some people stand in front of me for hours, staring at me with loving adoration. Some pass me by, barely even glancing at me. Once, someone tried to touch me. She had been one of the few who stands in front of me for a long while, eyes full of wonder and mystery. Just as her fingers began to graze my skin, blaring alarms filled the cold room where I spend my days, and men in uniforms dragged her away, tears rolling down her lovely face, and velvety fingers still outstretched to me. I haven't seen her since. Oh, how I long to be touched. Not one soul has touched me since my master brought me into existence. It is a tortured existence; a lonely existence. I pray daily that the daring girl with the velvet fingers and bluest eyes will come back to me, but I doubt my master's masters will let her. Still, I love her so.
Some people stand in front of me and cry. I do not know why they cry, but I like them best (other than my Velvet girl, of course). They stay for varying amounts of time, some sitting on the floor at my feet for a long time, others just passing through, but both always seeming to lov and appreciate me as I am. Some people talk about me very loudly, their voices echoing through the room. They use words to describe me I've never heard anyone else use before, not even the man who created me. I have learned that these people are called "Art Critics". They are usually not very nice at all, and I wish that they would not come to visit.
On some nights, my creator come to visit me again. He doesn't touch me, but he stands next to me and wears a black suit and a white shirt. On these special nights, he looks much nicer than he used to at the studio where I was born. I like to think he dresses up just for me, but I suspect he really dresses up for the people who file past me on these nights. They are a chatty bunch, and they carry tall glasses full of something sparkly. They wear nice clothes and laugh loudly, but graciously. They are alright, I guess, but the men in uniforms and my master's master seems to like these people best of all.
It's a strange life I lead, and I often wonder if this is how it is for some of the people who come to look at me. Apparently this existence of mine will last a long, long time. There are some living here who have not seen their creators in many years; some even live behind red ropes and glass cages. They are the oldest and wisest among us, though they do not talk much, not even when there are no people here to look at us. The people in the lines seem to like these paintings best of all, though I do not understand why. Many are cracked and tired, and some even cry at night. It's not any sort of crying as I've seen from the people, but a much quieter, much more lonesome cry.
I do not understand most of what I see throughout my days here, but I guess I have plenty of time to learn. The critics say that I will be here a long time. I have not told anyone this, but I hope that I am not. I hope that someday soon my Velvet girl will come back and take me away from here.

Retail Musings

I work at the GAP. Most of the time, it's a pretty easy job that primarily consists of folding things, putting things away, and fetching things for customers. By far the most challenging aspect of the job is the part I'm really there for-- customer service. To combat the rudeness, selfishness, and inconsideration I so often encounter while servicing our customers, I like to muse on FB about various disagreeable encounters. Here are a couple from this last weekend.

• One of the hardest parts of working retail is ringing up that last customer who came in 5 minutes before close and listening to them say "Oh I'm sorry we came in so close to 9:00 and have been such a nuisance. Boy I bet you just hate me." And having to say "oh no, not at all" when, in fact, they did come in too late, and they are a massive nuisance, and yes I do hate their guts.

• If, when you walk into a store, an associate smiles at you and says "Hello, how're you doing?", just smile back and answer them. Don't ignore them. It's not a hard thing to do and you'd be surprised at what a difference it can make in someone's day. Few things are so discouraging as greeting someone in a friendly manner and being completely and icily ignored.