Past + Future

I always get really frustrated when people ask me a lot of questions, like "What's wrong", or "Are you okay". It's not so much the sentiment that bothers me, but rather that I feel pressured to answer, often when I would much rather not. It's hard for me to find an adequate answer that'll get off my back. "I'm fine" prompts the whole, "no your not tell me tell me tell me", while telling the truth makes them feel bad for you, and then you somehow start to feel guilty because of the way you feel, and completely unloading is even worse.
If there's something that I lie about practically every day, it's the answering the "Are you okay" question. I have never found an answer that'll make them happy, and make them leave you alone, while also not making me feel even worse.
Additionally, I'm getting tired of always feeling crappy. I'm sick most of the time, and perpetually exhausted, and I'm hurting virtually all the time. I just want to be healthy, and happy. But I cannot even remember what it's like to be happy. I'm not completely sure that I ever have felt completely happy. For as long as I can remember, I've isolated myself and found myself feeling deeply pained and hurt about... what?
Even as a little kid, I used to sit in my bedroom, away from everyone else, and think, " I really don't want to be here." and I never even identified as that being.. different? I couldn't even say what it was. I was suicidal before I even understood what death even was.
I feel like my life has been pretty much the same thing over and over again. Feeling crappy, pretending I'm fine, getting worse, breaking down completely, feeling suicidal, being pressured to "let it go" by others, and repeat.
I've never felt like people entirely understand some of the stuff I've dealt with. Certain people understand certain aspects, and are entirely oblivious to others. And I've only ever met one person who I have been able to open up to completely. The problem comes in when he started to blame me for the way I felt.
He's told me to "just stop" or insisted that I have a choice, and that I'm merely choosing to be unhappy. Maybe he never got the whole "my brain doesn't produce the chemicals that make people happy."
I've heard the whole "things get better" innumerable times. But I cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel. All I know is that some days are better than others, but it feels like I'm always going to be on the brink. I've been in this bloody tunnel as long as I can remember, and I see no future for myself. I try to picture it-- in a relationship, going to school, functioning as a normal person, etc. But try as I may, my future is a small future, and none of those happy, normal things are for me.
I'm guessing that I am stuck with this shit tunnel for the rest of my life, however much longer that may be. I know that I will always be on meds, I will always be depressed, and I will always feel alone.

Feminism, Equality, + Shortcomings

I have always struggled with knowing what exactly to blog about. I mean, my life isn't extremely interesting, and I wouldn't want to bore anyone with my stupid issues. So I guess I'll just have to write about whatever the hell I feel like writing about.

Today it's feminism. I have a real issue with the stigma surrounding such a word. As Lily Allen says, "Feminism is not a dirty word..." It always bothers me when I mention feminism and I can feel a huge shift in the energy of the room. People seem to think that feminism is essentially the same thing as misogyny, only in reverse order. The fact is that feminism has nothing to do with "girl power" or women being better than men. The entire concept revolves around equality. 

I saw this cartoon on the internet with the definition of feminism, which is something similar to "someone who moves for equality between men and women of all races". This girl looks at it and says, "Seriously, who doesn't want this?" And the caption read: "When people say they are against feminism, I just assume they don't know what they're talking about." (I'm sorry I couldn't get the actual, photo. I'll track it down eventually and add it on). 

I've begun to take this belief into my own life, and whenever someone said something degrading about feminism, I death glare them and ask them what exactly they think feminism actually is. 99% of the time, they're very wrong, and I teach them what it actually is. The remaining 1% are just assholes. 

It's ridiculous to me that women and minorities are still fighting for essential human rights. Rights that are covered by the constitution in 5 words: "All men are created equal". (Don't even think about pulling the 'it says all men are created equal, not women')

 I mean, women are STILL not payed as much as men are for the same job, and the fact is that racism remains a prominent aspect of our society. Just as throughout history, we simply refuse to admit any weaknesses whatsoever. You know, "becuz this is Amuricah!"

I'm not trying to knock America too hard, we try hard (most of the time) and are, overall, a great country. Gotta love that freedom. I merely wish to point out that we have faults too, and it is high time we address them and finally bring an end to discrimination and inequality.